What a Difference a Year Makes {My Life}

Today I am very happily celebrating my first anniversary!  When you hear anniversary, you might immediately think marriage, and while my first wedding anniversary will be this September, the anniversary I'm celebrating today is much, much different, but still very special.

It was one year ago today that I suddenly fell ill with mini strokes and seizures that put me in the hospital twice in a 12-hour period and ultimately revealed a mass in my brain...a possible brain tumor.  A week after the rough diagnosis, I found myself surrounded by my family and soon-to-be husband at a hospital in Savannah, having parts of my head shaved and prepping for a robotic-assist brain biopsy, where doctors would remove a nickel-sized piece of my skull and remove several pieces of the supposed tumor for testing.  Up until that point in my life, I had never had surgery or even a cavity.  This was all new and scary territory for me and everyone around me.

 Self portrait - August 18, 2011, eight days after surgery

Fast forward through a few weeks of healing, inconclusive test results and meeting with a new team of doctors for a second opinion.  A few days after our wedding, instead of being on a honeymoon, Jason and I were at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville learning that within a month and a half, the mass in my brain had shrunk on its own by 85%, ensuring the doctors that the inconclusive test results on my brain matter were right - the mass was not a brain tumor, and surgery to remove the mass was not needed.  What is left is scar tissue from August 2nd & 3rd's series of mini stroke-like events that caused seizures, and the scar tissue will probably always be present but not ever become an issue.  In short...this was a fluke occurrence, and I was healthy.  My doctor's advice?  Go and live and long, healthy and happy life.

So today, that's what I'm celebrating - the one year anniversary of the beginning to my new and improved life!  And oh, what a difference a year makes!  Within the last year... I married my best friend!  I left a full-time job that was not right for me and solely focused on building a successful business around my passion for photography!  I attended several amazing and inspiring photography workshops that changed my life!  I photographed my first international wedding!  I am almost 17 weeks pregnant with Jason's & my first child!  And I am healthier and happier than I have ever been before - mind, body and soul!

A year ago today, I didn't know what journey my life would take from day to day, but I just knew that my journey was not meant to end.  By taking a moment to reflect on what I really wanted my life to look like, focusing on moving forward, and choosing to only surround myself with positive people, I have spent the last year reinventing myself into the me I have always strived for and wanted to be...but never made time for.  Now I laugh more.  I give more.  I love deeper.  I forgive.  I spend more time with my family.  I spend more time on me.  And while that ideal "me" is always changing and strengthening and adapting to life and my goals, today I am going to pause and be thankful.  I am thankful for the wake-up call I needed and for the second chance at living the life I was meant to live.

I also want to tell you...whoever you are...to not wait for something horrible and scary to happen before you decide to make some positive changes in your life.  What does the life that you dream of look like, and what steps can you take to achieve it?  You owe it to yourself to pursue now what makes you happy.  Tomorrow is never promised - live for today.

6 months after beginning my new and improved life - Photo by Brian Tausend

Beautiful Black & White {I Heart Faces}

When I Heart Faces announced their Beautiful Black & White photography challenge, one image from the tens of thousands of photographs I've taken, the one that popped into my head as the image I knew I wanted to submit, was anything other than what most people would call "beautiful."

It wasn't of a bride and groom.  A newborn baby.  A family.  It was this one...

Back in August 2011, out of the blue, I suffered 4 seizures in a 24-hour period of time, one of which nearly ended my life, if it weren't for my then fiance, Jason, helping me to restart my breathing in the quiet of the night.  A CT scan and a MRI revealed a large mass in the left side of my brain.  The doctor in the ER thought it was a tumor.  I was a 32-year-old woman who had never broken a bone, never had a cavity, and never really got sick before.  This was new territory for me...scary territory.

My family drove down from Ohio, Jason's brother flew in from California, and I had a brain biopsy up in Savannah a week later.

I remember a few details about that day.  How it felt to leave my family behind in the waiting room while I walked down the hall to prep for surgery, not knowing what the future would hold for me.  How I made sure the surgical assistant who shaved away several patches of my hair knew I was getting married in 5 weeks...so to do a good job.  How it felt to lose my ability to speak when I underwent my first ever breath of anesthesia.

I don't remember much of the week I recovered, as I was highly medicated.  I couldn't remember what monthly bills I pay, I don't remember who visited me, I don't remember my dogs being around.  I do know I could hardly walk, could hardly open my mouth, that my family took turns watching me 24/7 to make sure I didn't have another seizure, and that laying in bed is just not for me.

I also knew that I missed photography and needed a creative outlet.  A fellow photographer suggested I take photos of from bed of things that I could see from where I lay.  I could hardly hold up the camera, could only take 15 images, but it was just the thing I needed.  Another photographer had suggested that, if I was brave enough, to take a self-portrait.  At first, that scared me, possibly more than brain surgery.  And because it scared me, I did it.

This image is not stereotypical beauty.  This image is raw beauty.  Although you cannot see my eyes (I wasn't strong enough to lift my head anymore that day), what you see of my face is all that you need to know the story.  This image shows vulnerability...hope...strength...  This may be my favorite image of myself.  It is definitely a reminder of how I can overcome all obstacles in my path, even when at times I may feel alone or afraid.  I am a survivor and a fighter. 

Flash forward a month later - a week before my wedding.  The abnormality in my brain miraculously reduced down to 15% of its original size.  It was not a tumor, but most likely scar tissue from a stroke-like event back in August, which had caused the seizures.  And a few weeks ago, I was given the clean bill of health from my neurologist that heads my medical team at the Mayo Clinic. 

In hindsight, the last 6 months were exactly what I needed.  I re-evaluated every aspect of my life and reshaped my future.  I don't take things for granted anymore.  I still work hard, but I play hard, too.  I live life to the fullest.  Life...is beautiful.